Before I started writing this article, I first thought about how inherently gendered we are as human beings. I thought about some families, especially very influential ones who have only girls or only boys as children. I thought about how they must have felt, not having to achieve the illusive “perfect” gender combination. I realized in a second, the foolishness of my thoughts over another person’s problems and the deep seeded gender structure permutations we have in our society today. Yes, oftentimes we have this creepy thought over other people’s life, sometimes we go beyond thinking it, we say it or act it.
Clearly, a lot of gender disappointments are factored on what people think or what they’ll say. Society is deeply at the root of expectations over gender issues. Our culture operates a lot of gender stereotypes that give gender selection so much weight and make it more difficult for families to incorporate both the personal and societal pressure of gender disappointment.
Gender disappointment is the feeling of disappointment or sadness that parents experience when their preferred sex in a child is not met. No doubt, parents have expectations and projections of the gender of the baby they’re having and are naturally disappointed when those expectations don’t span out. This happens more when a particular sex has been born and there is naturally, the desire to have both genders in a family. Whether parents are secretly disappointed or openly sad, gender disappointment is real and a valid feeling. Researches have shown that 20% of families experience this. This disappointment can be fleeting for some parents and quite intense for others. While some parents overcome this with the realization that they’ll love their child even if its not the gender they wished for, to some, it is an experience which has the potential to impact adversely on their mental health or even threaten the peace of the family.
Understanding the Ultimate…
From the days of old, parents who prayed to God for the blessing of a child never made gender specifications, (except Hannah who prayed for a son with a promise to sacrifice him to serve God). For others, their prayer was exclusively for the blessing of a child and God answered them according to His will and His plan for the child’s future. Thus, detaching from the gender of a child and anticipating on their being, their identity, their future and their purpose in life should be the focus of every parent.
Sometimes, life isn’t how we picture it and it is important that we all get our heads around the realities we cannot change and learn to accept circumstances that does not conform with our wishes. Parents must understand that loving their child has nothing to do with their gender. Their excitement after the birth of the child should span from the love they have to give not from the gender they wish to have.
Why grieve the loss of something you thought you would have instead of rejoicing over the healthy baby you’re carrying? Would you choose to have the gender of your choice that brings pain and sorrow in the future or the gender that brings peace and joy to you? Does gender really define who a child is going to be? Do you believe that the very reason for desiring a girl or a boy child could be aborted by destiny? Did the universe choose you to raise a child based on his or her gender or to raise a spectacular and worthy child?
Sex is the least of the determinant factors of a child’s personality!
Reshape Your Expectations
Your family should be perfect in your eyes, with or without your expected gender combination. Be happy and contented with what life reality throws your way. Trust God and hope for a good future with Him by your side.
Open-mindedness and a little introspection are required for a seated understanding of this. Then the sufficient grace of God should be utilized for a good comprehension of this and the ability to give the very best in raising whoever He gives to us as a child.
Yes, It may be difficult to deal with this or to change this mindset especially when it comes as a shock to clearly convinced parents whose mind has been fixed in the potential reality of beholding their “dream child”. A lot of family with obsolete understanding of life have lost their marital juice because of this. Some women have suffered insults, scorn and rejection because they gave birth to a non desired gender.
Creation is of God, humans only reproduce. Why worry over what is beyond your power to change? The idea of sex selection has failed many scientists, the wonders of science have limits. God has the ultimate say and what He allows, He has reasons for. His ways are different from the ways of man!
This article does not seek to convince anyone not to make attempts to have the gender of their choice. It does not seek to condemn parents who feel bad or disappointed for not having the gender of their choice. It does not seek to condemn the desire for a mixed gender children. It only seeks to remind parents that wishes dont always come as we plan and not to grieve too much for things we can NEVER change. To accept their baby and understand that gender does not define who or what a child will be. To stop the gender biases, cultural expectations and societal pressure. To detach from a child’s gender and focus on her future.
There’s nothing a daughter could give that a son cannot give, and vice versa. The ultimate joy of every parent is to have a child that makes them proud in all ramifications and makes them happy and fulfilled in life. Though both genders are biologically different, they are potentially same in capabilities. Let us always remember that anything we aspire to do with one child, we can also do with another child, irrespective of the sex.
Evidently, children of nowadays defy traditional gender role, examples are numerous.
Amara Ann Unachukwu
