Allotting Parental Responsibilities on the First Born Child; the Two Sides Directions.

I was told by my parents that when I was 9 months old, my 10 years oldest sister took the responsibility of taking care of me because my mother was away for some months to complete her graduate studies. Even though there was a nanny to help, my sister had a paradigm shift in responsibility and had to switch from morning to afternoon school. When my daughter became ten years old, and each time I gave her chores to do, I would remember my sister and what it was for her looking after a baby as a child.

This parenting strategy is very common in most families, especially with first-born daughters, because of how much onus is placed on female children to be ‘motherly’ and ‘home builders’.

Research has shown that personality is being affected by birth order. Too many dynamics affect the shaping of the personality of firstborn children. At birth, they are the ‘centre of the universe’, enjoying lots of love and privileges from their parents, friends, and relatives. The excitement and joy that comes with their birth is more evident than others, and they are more celebrated from all corners. As the second child is born, attention shifts dramatically, and gradually, little responsibility is given to the older child over the younger child. They begin to sing for the newborn, stay quiet for the newborn to sleep, bring baby’s this or that for their parents, ‘keep an eye’ on the baby, and run little errands in the family. As time goes on and by the time more children are born, oldest children begin to take responsibility for the younger ones in many ways.

This indoctrination of having firstborn children partake in raising their younger siblings, which is practised consciously or unconsciously by parents, has some merits but if not moderated, there are lots of risks it poses on children, both on the firstborn and their younger ones.

Positive Directions.

1. The excitement and joy of the birth of firstborn children is higher. This makes them so loved and cherished as the first fruit of the family that gave their parents a different title of daddy and mummy.
2. They have the undivided attention and care of their parents at first, and they enjoy their parents’ resources first and alone before their siblings are born. They enjoy all the baby things new and get more gifts from family and friends.
3. Ample time and devotion are given to them as they are the only children for some period. Their parents are more careful with their health, nutrition, and general well-being. They are the centre of attention and admiration by their parents and others.
4. They change the identity of their parents and bond them more as parents, not only as a couple. Some parents are called by the name of their first child, which gives the child a sense of identity in the family.
5. Some scientists are of the opinion that firstborn children have a higher IQ level than their younger siblings. They believe that they are more intelligent and do better in academics and skills. Again, they are more serious and committed to their studies and life in general.
6. Another positive direction of firstborn children is their ability to be in leadership position and rule. Most firstborn children are likely to succeed, given the result of the study done by the University of Essex. It was revealed that the majority of US presidents and nobel prize winners and first-born children.
7. They are more skilful and tactful. They come in terms early with the reality of taking responsibility and being in charge, and they grow up living responsible and reserved lives.

The Side Effects.

1. They are generally bossy and controlling. They show dominance over their younger ones and sometimes to others. Because they are thrust into a leadership position, they become dominating rather than leading.
2. They have more pressure on parents’ expectations. They are expected to be role models to their younger ones. This high expectation and pressure make them abhor failure and tend towards perfection, which has some negative effects on them, especially in their future.
3. Some of them develop resentment, have ego, and have a low tolerance level. They yell a lot and are too strict and rigid.
4. Over protection of their younger ones and taking responsibility early may slide towards obsession, which it too bad for their personality and may affect their relationship in future.
5. Oftentimes, they lose themselves to their siblings. They don’t enjoy their youths because there’s always someone to look after. They share their things, give their younger siblings services, help them in their homework, and so on. They may grow up finding it difficult to say NO, making people take advantage of their kindness.
6. They grow into taking responsibility for both their younger ones and their parents. They become the second parent with endless and numerous responsibilities towards their younger ones and their ageing parents.
7. They live their lives for their family. They consider others first and place them as a priority to the detriment of their own happiness and well-being.
8. This piled up pressure and burden may grow from making them too compassionate to being too erratic, too saucy, feeling damaged and unhappy.
9. Their younger ones become lazy, entitled, and ungrateful at their detriment. The belief that there’s a ‘backup’ and hope for a ‘saviour’ always makes their younger ones complacent with tasks and responsibilities.
10. They are usually very anxious and serious, anti-social, and overly determined.

Although some of these theories have changed with time and the level of their validation depends on the type of parents and kind of family, some characteristics have remained constant.

Parents must seek to have moderate expectations from their firstborn children. If first borns develop the traits of being the people teaser and having firstborn syndrome, it might affect their personality, psychological disposition and mental health, especially when they feel they’re failing. First-born children must be provided with ample opportunity to grow as children and enjoy their childhood, to develop their leadership skills and value independence without being bossy. Parents must make out time for them, show them equal love, and equal privilege. They need to find their lives first, focus on their happiness first before looking after others.

It is worthy of note that this firstborn parenting responsibility over their siblings may result in greater siblings’ bond because the oldest sibling may develop parental feeling towards their younger ones, love, and care for them as their parents would. It may also make them responsible adults and prepare them ahead towards the journey of parenting. The focus of this article is not to condemn this parenting strategy but to ensure that it is maintained within boundaries, to avoid the side effects posed by going overboard.

Amara Ann Unachukwu